Behold God Part 1

A few weeks ago I told y'all that I wanted to explore the question of What if we simply beheld the glory of the Lord. I have been going back and forth with this question, not really knowing where to begin, but my mind kept settling on Isaiah 6. We studied Isaiah in our women"s bible study last year and chapter 6 quickly became one of my favorites. I do believe it gives us a good picture of what it looks like to simply behold the glory of the Lord.

But as I first started looking at Chapter 6, the first verse starts with the death of King Uzziah.

"In the year King that Uzziah died I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up and the train of his robe filled the temple."

At first I thought that this was only giving us a reference to the year that Isaiah received his calling, but I remembered doing a Beth Moore study years ago (I believe it was Breaking Free) and she talked about this verse and that sometimes idols have to be removed in order for us to truly see God. So I looked up King Uzziah's life.

The quote "Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely."  has always been a favorite of mine, not because it makes me feel all good on the inside, because it doesn't, but because of the truth behind the words.

King Uzziah started off strong. He was a good king and did what was right in the sight of the Lord. But towards the end of his reign, pride stepped in the way. He tried to burn incense on the altar in the temple. The burning of incense was reserved for the priest, and King Uzziah was not a priest.  The ESV says this, "In his pride, he wished to have spiritual as well as political authority over the people." He is given a chance to repent but instead gets angry and does not repent but instead acts in his anger. It is at this time that Uzziah is struck with leprosy. Uzziah had to spend his days separated from everyone. And when he died, he was not buried in the normal royal tombs but in a field. Basically, Uzziah started off good but finished bad because he let his pride get in the way.

So, what does this have to do with beholding the Lord? Sometimes we place other people in such high regard because we can see that they are godly people and trying to live a life that honors God. But even those people can be lured into sin. We have to be very careful to not put anyone on such a high pedestal that they block us from being able to see God.

I have been around Christians the majority of my life, and I have been around ministers for the majority of my life as well. They are not perfect. In fact, sometimes you will find that they do things that are very unchristian.  Some of these we actually hear about in the news, it seems especially lately. But the beautiful thing is that even when these leaders fall off of whatever pedestal we have put them on, God is still on His throne.

Maybe we need to be sure that we don't have anyone on such a high pedestal that they are blocking our view of seeing God sitting on his throne.

The Art of Letting Go

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
                                                                                         -Jesus (Matthew 11:28)

My whole life I have heard the phrase "Let Go and Let God." Lately, it seems that every article I have read has talked about how we need to get away from this phrase. I don't know. Maybe I just never heard it taken in the context of allowing us to just kinda coast through issues but I have always taken it to mean that I should stop worrying about everything.This phrase was actually one that helped me deal with my relationship with my mom. I wanted for so long to fix our situation. I wanted so badly to not be angry. But I honestly didn't know how to do that. And then I heard a sermon talking about this idea of "letting go." I knew that I needed to let go of the anger I had and offer forgiveness. But I also knew that once that happened, I needed to let God steer our relationship. Here I am so many years after that and our relationship is still as rocky as ever. But I am no longer angry, and it no longer consumes me with worry. I reach out when I know God is leading me to and I give her what she needs.

About a month ago I was feeling as if I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. I felt like I was under immense pressure, even though I really wasn't. So where was this pressure coming from?  It was coming from me.  I found myself holding on to everyone's burdens; my husband's, my children's, my friend's, even the country's burdens.  And then I read this verse: Come to me...and I will give you rest.  Rest. It's what I needed. And Jesus was offering it. You see, as a Christian, we are to take on other's burdens because we are all in this together. But also, as a Christian, we are told to give our burdens to Christ. It is only in Him that we can find the rest that we need from this weary world.

So again, I am having to learn the art of "letting go." And perhaps you need to as well. While my husband and I are in this together, I can't walk his spiritual journey for him. And yet, so many times, I try. We talk about things. We share what God is teaching us. But just as I go through things that are basically between me and God, so does he. And I walk along side him as he goes through it, just as he walks along side me. And while we share burdens and I help "carry" his burdens, ultimately my calling is to lay them all at the feet of Jesus. With my children, I am having to let go of controlling them.  I know that it is funny that I even attempt to control my children. But I do. I can't walk their spiritual journey for them either. I can point them to Christ but I can't force them to follow Him. I pray for my children...oh, how I pray! But, again, I have to learn to let go.

This idea of learning to let go extends beyond my family, it also extends to friendships. This is hard for me. I want people to like me. And so I try and control things. But God is teaching me that I need to let go, let the relationship flow naturally. This is so hard for me as I want people to be instant friends with me and like everything about me and never have a disagreement. But the "letting go" means that not everyone will like me, and that is okay (I mean, as long as I am not being a jerk. Being a jerk is not okay).

Letting go for you, may involve relationships, stuff, responsibilities, expectations, comparisons, or any number of things.  I am in the process of simplifying my life, getting rid of some of my unnecessary burdens and stressors, and so the first thing I am doing is learning how to let go and learning how to go to Christ for the rest that I truly need, that comes from nowhere else other than Him.

#lettinggo #truerest

Dealing with my pride

There is a movie scene that has been running through my mind the last few days. It is a scene from the movie "Cheaper By the Dozen." In this particular scene, Mark, one of the middle children, proclaims to his mom that he doesn't fit in with the family. The mom responds by pullling him closer for a hug and telling him that he does fit, he fits right there with her.

As this scene has been playing over and over in my head, I have had a daughter turn twelve. In four very short years, she will be driving. And then it won't be long that she will move out. The reality of time quickly moving has hit me like a truck.

At the same time, I have been praying through my own struggles. Namely, I struggle with my part in the kingdom of Christ. Not whether or not I belong, but more of whether or not I am making any kind of a difference. You see, I am not out there influencing a bunch of people. I am not out there making significant, life-altering decisions. I am not out there putting my life on the line just to tell others about Christ. (And the irony here is that while I am typing this, people that I would consider spiritual giants probably don't consider their lives to be any more significant than anyone else's)

In fact, my life is actually very...ordinary. My sphere of influence is pretty small. Beyond my family it is honestly just a handful of people. And so I constantly question whether or not I am doing enough for the kingdom of Christ.

These past few weeks God has been confronting me about the pride in my life. Pride is my reluctance to put others above myself. Pride is my thinking that I know better than God. So, pride leads me to ask God why I can't have a life that is beyond ordinary. Why am I not given a bigger task than the one I have been given. (Yeah, I am not prideful at all..major eyeroll here)

Growing up I didn't have that sense of family. I didn't have that sense of belonging. I didn't have someone pulling me towards them to tell me that I fit right there with them.

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ-by grace you have been saved-". Ephesians 2:4-5

"The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs-heirs of God and fellow heirs with cChrost, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him."   Romans 8:16-17

I love being a part of the family of God. But every once in a while, I feel like I don't fit. Then God gently pulls me in and reminds me that I fit right there with him.

As a Christ-follower, I am to glorify God by pointing others to Him. So as a mom, this is especially true. I need to assure my children that they belong, they fit, right here with my husband and I and, ultimately, they fit right with the Heavently Father.

There is a bigger purpose to my parenting. It may feel as if it is an ordinary, simplistic, mundane life. But the truth is that what goes on in the four walls of our house is extraordinary when I put myself aside and allow Christ to shine through me.

Maybe none of this makes sense to anyone but me. But what I know (and you would think I would have learned this from my own life) is that my sphere of influence inside these four walls is life-changing, earth shattering, kingdom work. My pride wants to tell me that I need to do more, that I need to be seen by more, that I need to make a bigger impact. But i know that we are to be faithful in the small things. And the truth is that what I think of as small, ordinary, and mundane is some of the "biggest" work I will ever do.

My Heavenly Father

About four years ago, I started to have some things go on in my life that, at the time didn't seem all that significant, but as I look back I have realized just how trully significant they were. I don't want to go into detail as far as what exactly happened but over the course of a few months, I had friends move away who had become an important part of my everyday life. I believe this started me down a path  which I have only recently been able to recover from. It was this path of loneliness and not understanding what others had that I did not have to make people want to be their friends. I would look around and in the midst of comparing myself to others, anxiety was able to get a grip on me. It wasn't a paralyzingly anxiety but it was anxiety nonetheless.  And in midst of the beginning of having this anxiety, we moved and I turned 40.

After we moved (almost two years ago), things did not exactly go as we had planned. There were a number of obstacles we had to overcome and, quite honestly, there were times I needed reassurance from God that we were where He wanted us (and He has been faithful to reaffirm this call every single time we have asked). It has really only been within the last few months or so that I have felt like my feet have stopped slipping out from under me. Bit this led to new things I would feel anxious about, namely my house.

The comparison trap was just eating me alive. I was not paralyzed by the anxiety but I do know some that get that way. There is no shame in going to see a professional counselor, especially if you can't see any way out of the anxiety you are facing.  But over the last few months, through different circumstances and mainly through God's Word, I have had to come face to face with my anxiety. In the last couple of weeks, it came to a head and I basically just had to look and cry out to Jesus and say, "I am done!" I am done with this anxiety. I am done with this comparison game. I am done with the perfectionist trap. I don't want to be worried with what others think because if this election season has taught me nothing else, it has taught me that no matter what you say, or don't say, you can't please everyone. But this has only been through Christ. He has brought me back to the lesson He has taught me over and over, He is enough. My value and my identity doesn't belong in who I am or what I have done but lies in Whose I am and who He is. It makes me think about the whole , "My daddy can beat up your daddy."  That is how I feel about my Heavenly Father. I am protected in the shadow of His wings. It is because He is so great and He has chosen me, that is where my identity lies.

So if you struggle with anxiety, know that you are not alone. Know that there is help, and if you need a counselor, go. And take it to the Father. He cares for you.

Truly Searching for Faith in the Ordinary

Today is Wednesday. I say this because it is important for me to remember this little fact. I have Thursday and Friday to get through and then we have no school on Saturday.  School has been kicking my tail this week, hence the reminder that it is only Wednesday. I can either choose to look at it as two more days of this never-ending school week or I can look at it and tell myself not to judge the whole week by the first three days, I still have two more and so the week can be redeemed.

So, let me tell you about Monday, and what a Monday it was.  It started off with me waking up at the same time as my children, which is always a mistake. I really need to wake up about an hour and a half to two hours before them. I walk into my kitchen and see the dirty dishes piled up that I didn't take care of the night before. I really should take care of these on Sunday nights because Mondays are always, well, Mondays. We had a late breakfast and therefore had a late start to our school day. School starts and at first is going great but then two children, not just one but two, start having attitude issues. And these weren't just "normal" attitude issues. These were major issues. I won't go into detail because most parents know that the details of the behavior are not necessarily worth talking about because, much like me, they can have attitude with something that is worth having attitude about or something that is really not worth the effort. (Truthfully, don't we all do this...especially with our spouse?)  We get done with school around 12:30.  (I homeschool just in case you are unaware) I learned a while back that me nor my kids function well doing school after lunch. Occassionally we do the "fun" stuff like experiments and art projects but we are done by 12:30 with the hard-hitting stuff. On Monday, I was very glad to be done at 12:30. I was already for bedtime to be there even though it was eight hours away. After lunch I had errands to run and lots of stuff to do for my personal schedule. It was crazy and stressful for me. And after a full morning of fighting with my children, I was over the top on my stress meter.

So this was it. This was all the opening that the devil needed. Oh, and notice I did not mention anything about a quiet time. Yeah, because when I don't wake up before my kids, quiet time with Jesus doesn't usually happen. So here was the perfect scenario for the "attacks" to begin.  What kind of attacks, you may ask? The ones that tell me I am not good enough. The ones that tell me that I am a failure as a wife and mom. The ones that tell me that no one could possibly love me, care about me, want to be my friend. The ones that tell me that I am just too much: too emotional, too high maintenance, too draining, too everything.  And they kept going on all day, these attacks. And not once did I open my Bible. I knew everything I would read in there. I knew that I was loved by God. I don't struggle with acceptance from God. I struggle with acceptance from others. Why should it matter? Don't I want the approval of God, not of man. Absolutely!!!! But in my flesh, I want acceptance. And I know that as Christians, we are to live in community and it is okay to want community. And so my struggle was whether or not to reach out. What would I get in return?

Here is the truth: on my days that are hard and I know the attacks are coming on strong, where do I turn? Is it to God or is it to others. I am not saying that we should never turn to others but I realized on Monday that everyone has times when they are more open to attacks. Everyone has times that they feel more alone. I write this not for people to feel sorry and to say that they had no idea and to say that I should have reached out and told them so that they could make it all better. I write this to say it is okay and we have to realize where truth is found.

I woke up on Tuesday and went to bible study. Oh how I love that we are done with our summer break!! It is my time to connect with other women. It is my time to sit and learn from those who are wiser than me and who also have a deep love for Jesus.  So as our leader was teaching, she talked about Joshua 3 where he tells the people to consecrate themselves. This is the same as purification, making yourself clean, sanctification, holiness. So, for me this stuck out because here I was asking God to show Himself in the midst of my "bad" day and I had not even taken the time to "consecrate" myself. In fact, I had stayed away from the bible and not gone to the one place that I knew would give me comfort and meaning and acceptance and joy.

So, here is the thing. I noticed that I ask for God's blessings all the time and yet I am so unfaithful. I am so glad that His faithfulness doesn't depend on my faithfulness. The other thing I was reminded of in bible study is the fact that God is unchanging. I love this!!! I am so emotional and moody (my husband will attest to this) and I need that unchanging steadiness that can only come from God.  In the midst of my "bad" day, I need to remind myself of the truth. I need to go to His Word and remember that I am loved. I am His. I am a child of God. I am adopted into His family. I am part of a larger family. I am filled with purpose that only comes through Him. I am here for His glory.

Peace in the chaos

My life is crazy! I have so many things on my plate, some of my own making and some just part of life. But it doesn't change the fact that it is a crazy life. Sometimes, my days can be almost too much to bear. Sometimes I lose my temper with my kids or my husband or even friends. Sometimes I just want to escape it all and take a vacation from my responsibilities. And sometimes I just want to throw my hands up and give into the temptation to let the chaos take over my life. But none of those is the proper reaction I should have. Somehow, in the midst of the chaos, I need to find the peace.

In Matthew 8 we see the disciples in a boat in the middle of a storm. The storm is so bad that they are basically freaking out. During this time, Jesus is asleep. In fact, the disciples have to wake Jesus up. And just as calmly as only Jesus can do, He calms the storm. In the midst of the chaos, He has peace and He brings peace. I want this. I want a peace in the midst of my chaos. 

The great thing is that I actually have this peace. I can't describe it to you but I will try. And I can't say that I always recognize this peace because sometimes I add to or give in to the chaos. The peace comes from knowing that God is in control. The peace comes from trusting that God is shaping and molding my children to be the people He needs them to be in spite of any mistakes I am making. The peace is in knowing that my strength to get up and do this everyday comes from Him and not myself. The peace comes from knowing that the life He has called me to is one that will bring Him glory. 

I can't do this chaos of a life on my own. I need my husband. I need my friends. I need my children, both my own children and the students in our church. I need my encouragers. But more than anything, I need Jesus! He is the source of my peace. He is my peace in the midst of my chaos.

Choosing to glorify God

As I get to know people, I am amazed at the stories they share. So many times we truly don't know what others are dealing with or what their insecurities may be. I have encountered people who are absolutely stunning to look at but after talking to them, have found out that the way they look is one of their biggest insecurities. Or, how about those that seem to be the life of the party but after I have gotten to know them I have found that they struggle with being accepted by others. Or the moms who seem to have the most well-behaved children and I find that their ability to parent is one of their biggest insecurities. I have met people who seem to have it all together and have then found out that they always feel that they can't measure up.

All of these are lies. I am sitting here, typing this and thinking about all of my insecurities: I am not as smart as people think, I don't have all the answers...on anything, this whole parenting thing has so many insecurities that I can't even list them all, and let's throw in the homeschooling aspect, seriously, so many doubts about my abilities. I am not pretty enough, I am not young enough (this is actually a whole new insecurity I have dealt with recently), I talk too much or sometimes I don't talk enough, I am too direct, I am too indirect, I am too emotional, I am not emotional enough, and the list could go on. The funny thing is that the majority of my insecurities are not a result from people but are from myself. Granted I can trace a lot of them back to something someone said but even then it is usually something like "how are you able to homeschool? I could never do that. I am not smart enough." Something like this is not meant to be an insult. In fact, it is meant to be a compliment. But after the translation happens in my head, I begin to question if I can do this whole homeschooling thing, if I am depriving my children, if I am smart, and any number of other things. This is just one example. Someone could also tell me something like "I love the fact that you talk because it takes the pressure off of me having to talk" and that sends me into a whole other world of insecurities.

My point is, things in our lives lead up to many of our insecurities but it is usually in our mind that the distortions happen. We all have stories. We all have insecurities. We can use our stories and our insecurities for the glory of God or we can allow them to keep us from telling othersabout Him. So, here I am, insecurities and all. Here I am, scars and all. Here I am, faults and all. And with everything in me, I want my life to glorify Him. I don't like pretending to be someone I am not. And I will admit, there are times that it is easier to be my friend then other times. But aren't we all easier at times and more difficult at times (I mean seriously, ask my husband).

I love Jesus. I want Him to shine in me. I want to reflect Him.