It has been over a month since I have written. I offer no excuses. I don't know why it has been that long. Anyway, here I am writing another post. Hopefully, I will get better. We shall see.
In less than two months, I will turn 40. What??? How can this be?? I have to tell you; I look in the mirror and I don't THINK I look that old. But then I get around the youth and I am reminded that I really am that old. It made me start thinking, not really in a retrospective way or even a "what have I done with my life" kinda thing, but more in a "can I still do that" kinda way. You may ask exactly what I mean by that. Well, here is the answer: can I still wear my hair in a ponytail or do I need to get it all chopped off, can I still sing and dance to my hearts content or do I need to be a bit more dignified, can I play underground church with the our students or do I need to not even think about running around, can I show my kids tricks on the monkey bars or will I be doing more harm to my body, and my list goes on. There are days that I have a ton of energy and I just want to dance, play hide and seek, run around and then there are days that, well, I don't want to do those things. Sometimes I want to make jokes (usually corny) in my conversation but then I literally ask myself (usually later so that I can stew it over in my head all night) if that was too childish of me. I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself if it is time to ditch the ponytail, if it is time to ditch the t-shirts, if it is time to wear make-up all the time, and, of course, where are these lines around my eyes coming from.
There are definitely things that I thought I would be "over" by the time I turned 40. For some reason, I thought I wouldn't deal with "mom" issues anymore. I thought the "jealousy" factor would be over with. I thought comparing myself with others would be something of the past. But what I have found is that these things are still there. In fact, some days I struggle with them a lot. But one thing that has changed as I have gotten older is my ability to recognize these struggles in myself. I am no longer afraid to admit that I have them. A lot of this has to do with my Christian walk. I am confident in my faith and therefore, I am not ashamed of my struggles. Many times I feel inadequate as a mom. I thought this was specific to myself because of past circumstances. But as I have opened up about this struggle, I have been amazed at the number of women who struggle with this exact same thing.
But this is also what I have found, and this one has mainly been as I have matured in my Christian faith. My daily journey with Christ is just that, MY daily journey. I have found that there are moments that God is dealing with me on some issue or opening my eyes to something or convicting me of something and no one around me can relate. It is my journey to walk, my calling to fulfill. And sometimes, it can be a very lonely place. There are times that God has dealt with me on something and not even my husband fully understands what I am going through. There have been times that God has convicted me of something and not even my closest Christian friends understood. I have found a lot of times God will prepare me for something and then will show it to Jason later. An example of this is homeschool. God prepared my heart and then He led Jason in that direction. During the wait time between my acceptance of it and Jason's acceptance of it was a very lonely and frustrating time for me. But, I also know that God knows what He is doing because I am stubborn and had it happened the other way around, I would have rebelled and had a bad attitude. It is okay to realize that the Christian walk can be lonely at times. We aren't supposed to rely solely on our spouse or our friends. We are supposed to rely solely on Christ. We are to trust His timing and His plan.
As I add years to my life and as I grow in my walk with Christ, I pray that I will never let loneliness be equated with hopelessness. Christ has promised to never leave me nor forsake me. He is my hope. I will trust Him even when the path is lonely, dark, hard, treacherous, or I simply don't understand.
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