My Hope, My Peace, My Struggle

I want to start off by saying that this post is very hard for me to write and it is probably one of the most "real" post you will see from me.  I have been struggling with wanting to write this for a few days now.  It is very raw and very much where I am right now.

The other day I read this interview and the person being interviewed was a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.  For those that are not aware, this is my story as well.  So I read this interview and there was a part that the lady says that for any relationship, survivors don't want people getting too close because they might find out that we are flawed, damaged, unworthy, or ruined.  Can I tell you that even after counseling, after dealing head-on with my issues, and after knowing the TRUTH of who I am, I still struggle with this?  Lately I have been dealing with some stuff with my mom and was seeking prayer from a friend, but after exposing myself to admit this struggle, I found myself wanting to apologize and say to my friend that I wasn't always an emotional basket case.  I wanted to reassure her that I wasn't always so needy and that usually my life consisted of "normal" struggles, you know, the ones that we all share (even if we don't always admit it).

There have been things that have happened this week that have put my mom to the forefront of my mind and my heart.  This relationship is by far the most difficult relationship in my life.....ever.  But I have also learned so much from it.  I honestly don't know what to do with this relationship.  Others have tried to give me advice and yet, I still struggle.  Others have tried to answer from a worldly perspective and yet, it doesn't sit well in my heart.  There are days I want to just give it up and be done with it and other days when I want to do everything in my power to help her.  This is my struggle.  This is what turns my life upside down.  This is where I can't do anything in my own strength.

My hope is in Christ.  I need to see Him in this situation.  Through everything I have been through, He has been there.

My peace is Christ.  He is the only true source of peace in this situation.

I will come back and write on this more later.  Right now, this is almost too much.  I just hope it helps someone to know that we all have struggles.  We all have things that maybe we are ashamed of.  But always look to Christ.  Keep your focus on Him.