Take Heart

I know that I haven't posted in a while. There has been a reason for that. I didn't want to post and make everything look like it was great all the time and I didn't want to post and make things look worse than they are. So, I simply choose not to post anything. I have decided to go against that and to write a new, and very honest, post.

Things have been tough lately. We have been through a tough transition, this past year has been full of things beyond our control, I have had to deal with some family stuff, it has been an extremely challenging year with school, and it feels as if the only person who has been with me through it all is my husband. He has been a constant reminder to me that I am worth knowing, that I do matter, that I have more strength than I realize, that friendships will come, that I will figure things out with my mom, that my children will all learn math and reading, and that through it all, God called us here and knows what He is doing in our lives. And yet through all of this Jason has had his own journey to travel.

But as awesome as my husband has been, there are some journeys I walk alone. With my mom, I walk that journey alone. I so would love to present the end of this story with my mom to people with a big red ribbon tied neatly around this relationship and the ability to say, "look at how our relationship has been restored. God can work miracles." And yet, that is not what is happening. In fact, I am having to examine the relationship to figure out if it should even continue.

I knew a few years ago that I was being called to homeschool. I don't believe all should homeschool, but it was, and is, what is right for us. This has been one of the toughest years. I have one child who refuses to read, not because she can't but because she simply doesn't want to. And I have another child who feels as if he constantly needs my attention. Many days I get to the end of our school day and I am just done. And then the fighting among siblings begins. Did I mention that I was already done with this day? This is the kind of stuff that my husband will encourage me through but the simple fact is that physically, he is usually not here at the times when the kids are about to break out into a fist fight. So, this is my journey.

I am a relational person. However, I struggle with the fact that I seem to be more passionate about my friendships than the other party involved. And I have definitely felt that way these past few months. And then I tell myself that no one really wants to be my friend and so I pull all the way back from a friendship. Here is a little secret, I hate putting myself out there. I hate being vulnerable. And so if I put myself out there and make myself vulnerable and get no response in return, I will quickly pull back. It is my defense mechanism. So, making friends is extremely difficult for me. My husband has been so great through all of this but again, navigating the waters of friendships is my journey to walk. He can't make friends for me.

So, what do I do? I wish I knew a practical step-by-step answer. I do know that when I am not spending time with Jesus, all of this can be a bit overwhelming. I am not a negative person by nature but I can become one very quickly when I don't spend time in the Word. I was not promised a life of ease when I became a Christian. I was not promised perfect children, perfect parents, or perfect friendships. In fact, we are told "in this world you WILL have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome this world."

It is not that my life is absent of struggles but it is knowing the one to whom I can take my struggles. I have peace in the storm but it doesn't make the storm go away. Instead, it takes my eyes off of the storm.

How do I proceed with these different struggles? I don't really know. But I will keep trusting that Jesus will get me through.